Sunday, June 29, 2008

"one never arrives"

I guess that's true. Just like "be careful what you wish for." Once you get to the spot you've always wanted to get to, you must keep moving.
Or maybe that's just me.

So here's the positives (and I'm not going to make a negative list)
  • I'm getting around the city pretty well now.
  • I have employment through August.
  • I have a great guy that I have a crush on.
  • I have a great guy everyone wants to set me up with.
  • I have a roof over my head.
  • I have food in my stomach.
  • Free coffee.
  • My family and friends support me.

bleeding love

Do I want to do this anymore? Do I really want to sit in some basement every day?
Do I want a cubicle that I share with 2 other people?
I don't know anymore.
This used to be my dream. Now that I sit in the room...I don't like it.

I think I need to work for a while somewhere else. I've always promised myself that I would have a job where I am happy... where I go home with at least half a smile on my face.
And that happens with the gov job. It does. I smile about something that was said or something that happened each day. But with tv... eh. not so much.


Dear,
please stop being so nice. You need to stop it.
(Please don't stop).

xoxo,
me

Friday, June 27, 2008

I'll walk you out

Will you tell me your secrets? Ask me the tough questions.
Laugh with me again.

I'll forget the crashes, the Wednesdays, if you just smile.
I'll even let you tease me.


Will you open up?
I can only be this way, you need to help out too.

Let's make a pact.

I'm older than I look, and wiser than my age.
Drive me anywhere, I'll stand next to you.





Where will we go
You know the shore
Will keep us afloat
For awhile

Only 'till the sea
Tell secrets to each
And everyone that comes to be

Taken underneath
By everything

That you'll never sink
That you'll never sink

Leave it at the shore
It's not yours anymore
And it will never be

Know you'll always have
A place to keep
You and me afloat for awhile
You and me afloat for awhile

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I think I'm depressed again.
And these strawberry wafers aren't going to fix it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

always do

  • I really want half-baked cake ice cream. Sigh.
  • Why can't you just let me be?
  • Thanks for the compliment.
  • No, I'm not going to be in town then. I'll be uptown.
  • Please turn off the dumb girl act. If it's not an act, please be quiet.
  • You are getting a paycheck. Earn it.
  • Please be at work tomorrow. I need another Starbucks run.
  • Why do you work for them?
  • I miss your face, kiddo.
  • I am healing, but it's taking so long.
  • Whatcha up to?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

she's come undone.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

I'm so tired of being a whipper-snapper. I'm ready just to be a snapper.
Goodbye, my almost lover.

Cautiously.

I want new music. But I have no itunes allowance.

I'm going to read. And try and get him off my mind.

"near to you."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

i do believe i've failed you

I had Ramen for breakfast.

that must break some law.

Friday, June 20, 2008

McLaughlin gets it too.

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.
i am craving some moist chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

underbaked, please.

this grudge

If we are all rock stars, I am a pet rock.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

elderly lady

I must be old.

I am ex-hausted.


at 9:30.

Sigh.

Tomorrow is both jobs: work the morning downtown, eat lunch at dorm and then head uptown.

Sigh.

9 a.m. to 11 p.m.

Alanis gets it

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over-functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

And
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would've naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

fears and freakouts.

It feels good:
  • to be the only intern who knows how to make coffee.
  • to be the only intern who knows how to sort the mail.
  • to be the intern called on to send stuff to other offices.
  • to be able to write a letter on a complex subject in 10 minutes.
  • to feel a chill in the air in June.
  • to finally pay my parking ticket.
  • to be one of those people who can read and listen to music and not miss their station.
  • to be able to call tourists, without sounding like a tourist myself.
  • to get a thumbs up.
  • to listen to U2 on the Metro - badass.
  • to finally eat the chicken, broccoli and cheese sandwich I've been craving.
  • to finally have pizza and ACTUAL sweet tea.
  • to listen to Alanis in the morning.
  • to have a work crush.

Monday, June 16, 2008

secret

((I have a crush on a guy two years younger than me and I don't know how to deal with it because I've never had a crush on a guy younger than me even if you count R.S. in second grade. I don't know what to do with myself, but it's fun, because I find myself smiling at his socks and the way he walks.))


sshh.. don't tell.














promise?

adia

I walked home from the Metro in the rain, and I really wanted some guy dressed in a suit to sweep in and hold an umbrella over me.

Now, I just want to crank the AC and sleep for three days.
my hair smells good
and I'm wearing all black.
yeees.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I'm sitting on a sun warmed bed after a nap, watching Alton Brown after eating hummus.

It's the good life.

And last night for dinner I had a hot dog with cheese on a flour tortilla with taco sauce.

I feel alive again, after being dead for a while.

seven

  • corlyle's for lunch
  • alka-seltzer and the Post in Safeway
  • I'm addicted to hummus, roasted red peppers and broccoli.
  • I miss singing.
  • I had my first red meat since Memorial Day.
  • I'm beginning to think that somehow, everything will work out.
  • I've got 2 crushes. One on a younger guy (I KNOW!!) and one on a guy I'll probably never speak to again.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

pretending to choose.

Sorry. I don't know how to make links.
but read this. YES.

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2002/03/12universe.html