Chuckles.

And may I say, I love some Chuckie... but chief WH corr?
Seriously NBC???
Though you are going the Russert route, turning a behind-the-scenes guy to the talking face...

the list

Here's the final (cough) list of grad schools I will be applying to. I like them mainly because their deadlines are at the earliest, late January. Yay!
In no particular order: LSU, UA-Little Rock and Middle Tennessee State University. There's decent markets close to all of them and they are in the South. Something that I have found is needed for my thin blood...
because I'm the idiot wearing flip-flops in the mountains in December (cough).

Now to get some suckers to write letters of rec for me.. heheheheheh

and to sleep!

I'm on my lunch break, the only time of the day I really get stuff done since I hate making phone calls in front of people. I literally wait until the whole newsroom is in the morning meeting to make my phone calls or wait until lunch to come to my apartment. (Another fun people anxiety factoid: the bathroom is right of the newsroom in this place, and you can hear the toilets flush from the newsroom, hence I've never gone there. Whatageek.)
I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I sleep at least 10 hours a night but I have to drag myself out of bed.
What happened to me? I used to get by on 3-4 hours tops, waking at 3 a.m.
What's the dealio?
Tonight I resume the grad school process. I will finish at least one today, and e-mail LoR writers. I will. dammit.
I've forgotten how to be productive somewhere between all these pointless stories I write.
Only five more days until a week off.. and then I promise to be a good journalist in the new year.

journalists get laid..... off.

So. The big man upstairs said there will be layoffs... coming..
tomorrow.

Oh joy.

volcano

I hate when I clench my teeth for hours like I did today. My jaw is killing me.




Thanks, Virginia high school football finals!!!
Thanks a lot.

making lemonade out of pecans.

I had today off, since I work tomorrow, and I just couldn't work six days in a row.
Take five.

1. I'm applying to grad schools again. But this time, I'm really going to go, since I don't want to apply again.
2. I finally found wool socks. My feet are thankful.
3. I freaking de doo dah hate reporting. Blargh.
4. I impulsed shopped at T.J. Maxx, getting an AP book - but since it was originally $30, and I got it for $6, I don't feel so bad.
5. I really want some ice cream.. but I guess chocolate milk will do.
   

september. october. november.

This month marks my third month in Virginia.
I spent three months in D.C.
I don't feel the same kind of itch to leave, but I still feel it.
I had to leave Washington because I couldn't afford to eat, I was living in a sketchy neighborhood, and I didn't want to get lost somewhere on the Orange line.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to totally unpack. Buy furniture besides inflatable mattresses and plastic patio furniture.
Nine months here. That still scares me. I have six more months here. Weird.

O'Reilly's on the Daily Show. Weird.

it's 75 degrees outside. dude.

Election day was a wee bit crazy. I covered a wreck at one of the polls (overzealous voters?) and Twittered. It was a long day from 8:30 a.m. to 10 p.m.
As soon as Pennsylvania was called, we all figured it was almost over - then when Ohio was called - it was over.
We're still waiting on a local race, the difference was 30 votes one time, but everyone is hoping the incumbent gets kicked out.
All my House faves got reelected by landslides. Yay!

I booked my flight for Thanksgiving, and now I think I'll be eating Ramen for the next few months.
I'm nervous about flying, since the last time I flew I didn't have as many anxiety problems as I do now. I had never had an anxiety attack, I didn't clench my jaw when I was nervous and I wasn't so worst-case scenerio. So I think I'll have to promise myself to make Mom get me Chickfila when I land, cause I'm pretty sure I'll be too nervous to eat that morning.

But it will be good to have a break, since the last vacation I had was Labor Day, which wasn't really a vacation since we were on call in case the hurricane did something wonky. Plus, it will be awesome to: sleep on a real mattress, sit on a couch and pet the dog.
Looking forward to gorging myself on Tia Maria's salsa. Yum yum.

100th post.

What it do.
I need to sleep, but I'm so ready for tomorrow to be over with.

I haven't been feeling 100 percent for a couple of weeks, and I don't know why.
Hopefully, the next few weeks will fix that.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, but hopefully, that means Thursday and Friday will be short.
squee.

spotlight shining brightly.

I am so freaking ready for this election to be over.
Blargh.
I just need to make it to Wednesday........

see more puppies

dreaming tonight

I'm ready for Christmas.
I'm ready for the scrapbook paper, the craft projects and Bing Crosby. I know it's ridiculously early for all this, but it's so cold here, that I feel like it's December already!
I've already started collecting supplies: "figgy pudding" BasicGrey paper, some rub-ons, and glitter letter stickers. My Pandora stations are ready: Josh Groban, Bing and the Rat Pack.
I've already ordered from one scrapbooking catalog.

A good weekend. I just wish it wasn't over yet!

Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Yeeeeeah.

same old

I finally found this song. I've always heard it, but never known who sings it and what the name of it is.

So I share, with you.

the wanderer.

I have put over 40,000 miles on my car since I got it.. approximately 2 and a half years ago.

I get around.

Cue The Beach Boys!

welcome to hell.

I had a perfectly relaxing weekend, until. I went to the early service at church, I had taco bell for lunch, sushi for dinner.
then the damn neigh- wait.. I refuse to use that lovely word for them. The *heathens that live upstairs, decide to play bongos this evening. NOT KIDDING.
Then I hear a downpour of water... IN MY BATHROOM. I get a lovely waterfall coming out of my fan vent.



TWICE.


AND THE DAMN APT MAINTENENCE ISN'T HERE YET.


I usually don't say this.. but ...
fuck.

the day isn't done.

Blargh.

I'm about to work, without going to work.
Boo.
I hate doing interviews... mlargh.

and I have to work late tonight... :(

pictures, dishes and socks

Somewhere, between the mountains, I figured it out.
Journalism and I are like Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie.
It's so intense and crazy, that it's either going to work beautifully or crash and burn.
We'll see.

Today was good. I spit out a story, and of course, it wasn't Pulitzer-winning, but it was a story.
It was nice to work with people my own age.

Tomorrow is a semi-long day... but I'm going to try and make it shorter.. :)

life is a runaway train

The days just fly by.. it feels like it was just Friday night.
I guess that's good, because it will soon be Friday again.

Update on the Walmart trip - I only spent a little over 25, and even got milk and *real* chicken, which I haven't had.. in over 4 months.

Feelin' a little blue.. fighting a bit of an allergy thing..

but I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on.
That's all you can do.

Hopefully, I'll get to spend money this weekend, cause I really want some black boots (my others are dead) and a coat. Plus, I've got to start crafting Christmas presents.

ruby tuesday

So I have enough money for groceries, but it's in my new bank account, which I have no checks or debit card yet.
Boo hiss. Therefore, I must use my calculator to make sure I don't go over my $35 budget... and I didn't go shopping last week.
Boo.

Don't freaking chant U.S.A. - that's for all of you.

GOD THAT WAS A GOOD DEBATE.
Why is the media saying Palin won? If you mute, Biden won. If you keep the sound on, Biden won.
Everything she threw, he hit grand slams. Sure, Palin got a few in, but that's because she focused on Biden's Senate record. Palin didn't hurt the Dem ticket.. she saved herself and proved that she could stand up to the "Washington insiders" Biden did a good job of doing what was expected of him. The tear moment was not overdone - not like Hillary's at all.
People, working in Congress, you can't vote for everything. These omnibus bills they pass are usually full of crap that either party hates or loves. THAT'S WASHINGTON.
McCain is good. He's got a strong record, he's been around the block, which is one of the things I like (since being in DC, you understand how gov't works). McCain does have to carry the GOP ballot if they are to win... though he is as Cokie Roberts says "a boring white guy."
Obama is good. He's got that JFK quality, he's bringing a new generation to the voting booth. After being to a rally as part of the press pen, for me, he comes off on tv, but not in person. Obama seems uninterested when you're 20 feet from him. Either that, or the man needs a nap. The whole "change" thing is lost on me. DC doesn't change because of the color in office. DC only changes when it has to, and even though the economy sucks, it's not sucky enough. DC is a town of people who don't change. So many people keep their jobs after administration changes, that not much can change, unless BOTH PARTIES WORK TOGETHER.
Palin - give her some years in DC (in Congress) and ask me again. I'm sorry, but I need someone with DC experience in the WH. It's just how DC is. She skirted every question back to her comfort zone. Her job in this campaign is to be the energy to McCain's experience (much like Biden's experience to Obama's energy - though he's got some experience). She seems to TV sports reporter to me.. I seriously thought she was reading the teleprompter to me. You may be the outsider, but that just means you don't know how Washington works. And if you don't know how Washington works, McCain would have to give you remedial lessons. Good job handlers.
Biden - he's got the most solid experience in both tickets. He can be tough, he can be squishy (see almost tear during debate). He can give people the "boring white guy" but he can also give voters the comfort zone/safety, and light the fire under the Senate, so maybe he can do it for the executive branch.
Can we switch up the tickets after the conventions? I'll take a Clinton/Biden (either way) ticket versus a McCain/Pence (HOR, represent!) ticket please.
Though this whole election is who will bring "change" to Washington, voters must know that there is some things you can't leave to chance. Washington, no matter how much we hate it, can't change that much. Sorry folks.

Can I write-in my votes? or just get two new tickets?

that particular time.

How I wish you were here...
((i'm not that great of a journalist.. i almost used "chuckled" today. where have my writing skills gone? end rant)))

out to the 'burg tomorrow... it's weird, this traveling journalist thing.. i feel trapped and free at the same time.

i'm trying to fight the cloud that is my fall/winter annual depression. i'm not to the scary part yet, but there were moments today when the cloud was definitely there. my choice of music tells of the depression - all i want is pink floyd and alanis. hopefully, i won't get to the point where u2 can't save me. i guess it's good that i'm recognizing it, not like three years ago, when i thought all was lost.

i took a nap today after work, though i had an excuse with my migraine, it was needed. i love those naps, though i could have dealt without the pain.

i guess as long as you can still feel.

you go on and on

i refuse to succumb.
i still believe.

(at that particular time, i knew not to run away again.)

I could no more stop dreaming.

I'm the kid who ran away with the circus
Now I'm watering elephants
But I sometimes lie awake in the sawdust
Dreaming I'm in a suit of light

Late at night in the empty big top
Im all alone on the high wire
Look he's working without a net this time
He's a real death defier

I'm the kid who always looked out the window
Failing tests in geography
But I've seen things far beyond just the schoolyard
Distant shores of exotic lands

There're the spires of the turkish empire
Six months since we made landfall
Riding low with the spice of india
Through gibraltar, were rich men all

I'm the kid who thought we'd someday be lovers
Always held out that time would tell
Time was talking
I guess I just wasn't listening
No surprise, if you know me well

And as we're walking toward the train station
There's a whispering rainfall
Across the boulevard, you slip your hand in mine
In the distance the train calls

I'm the kid who has this habit of dreaming
Sometimes gets me in trouble too
But the truth is
I could no more stop dreaming
Than I could make them all come true
Than I could make them all come true

all the leaves are brown

I need to transcribe an hour long interview (because I'm such a fantastic journalist and never take notes), but GOD ALMIGHTY, I don't want to do it.
So I cleaned my apartment, paid bills, and I'm thinking about doing laundry.
Which means I'll be up until 2 unnecessarily to transcribe.
BLARGH.
All because I need to read the last 2 months of Gawker.
It's strange to think I've already been here a month (stranger to think that I have 8 months left).
I'm thinking about graduate school again. The problem is.. I don't really know what I want to do. I love behind-the-scenes stuff of television, I love editing for newspapers.. but it seems that .. I love it too much. I would like to be a media blogger/critic.. but blargh, there's like 4 of those and they're not going to die for a long time. And I don't know if the "college professor" route is one I should take. Blargh....
I do know that I can't live up here very long. It's better than DC, I'm actually in the south here, but I miss my friends... maybe I'll wind up in N.O.?
Heck, I don't know.

The train pulled into Paris like a rocket to the moon

Things that saved today: "Livin' on a prayer," coffee, a double cheeseburger, Diet Mountain Dew.

I think I want to write a book (but doesn't everybody?).

I'm so excited to sleep late...and not drive 3 hours to work!

I'm learning something new. I'm testing myself.

I think I'm going to restart the grad school train.

babylon

How many miles is it to Babylon?
Threescore miles and ten.

Can I get there by candlelight?
Yes, and back again.

If your heels are nimble and light,
You may get there by candlelight.

she's like the wind.

Truths:

• God, I hate cold-calling people. That's why I just want to sit at a desk somewhere and deal with the wires. HATE IT.
  
• I'm having a moment where I need to see friendly faces.
• Every day.
• I'm needing some Borge today.
• Thursdays!!!!! :(
• I've decided I need to go home for Thanksgiving. Let's hope work will let me off.
• I think I want to go back to school now...

already gone.

I need a trip to Louisiana to remember what I had, and what I have now. I need to see people that I don't have to explain my life story to. That I don't have to share the story about how I made it from small town Louisiana to middle town Virginia.
The grass is always greener.
I freaking love this song from Sugarland. I was hard core a couple years ago, with Small Town Jericho and some of their other songs. I need to buy the new album.

I'm feeling restless again. I don't know why I do that, but it should stop sometime. Today I had the urge to move to the Alps. Like THE Alps. Sigh.

I cut coupons today, while watching the Gilmore Girls. I am so Rory.
And I am my mother.

That's all. Time to go to work.

problem girl.

Roanoke. Apartment is too big, job is overwhelming.
Life is different.
But of course, I can't run back to the burning stable.

it couldn't last

I can't explain things. So here:

1. I have an apartment in Roanoke. Moving in two days. Last day on the Hill - tomorrow.
2. I wore sneakers with my skirt today. Officially DC'ed it after three months.
3. "The Devil Wears Prada" is a must after working as an assistant.
4. I'm feeling like I can do this.
5. I'm going to miss this.

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if its gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you...

Dont question why she needs to be so free
Shell tell you its the only way to be
She just cant be chained
To a life where nothings gained
And nothings lost
At such a cost

Theres no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you...

(you just might make it after all)

roy orbison

I think I broke my mp3 player. I'm going to try what the gods of Google say to do - bang it against a dresser - tomorrow, and if that doesn't work, I'm going to wait until I get my next paycheck to get a new one.

I didn't eat dinner.... I guess you can really save money if you skip a couple meals now and then. I need to wake up early tomorrow so I can eat a good breakfast and make my lunch. I finally got fajita chicken strips, so I'm going to eat those along with some mixed greens I got.. and I need to finish off my jar of spaghetti sauce before I move.

Give me til then to give up this fight.

I don't know where this road leads. I don't know anything really. But I know that somehow I'll make it through, just like I have before. Just like I made it through not being able to walk, my eyesight scare, being heartbroken, driving to Orlando, the winter quarter depressions, driving to DC, living in DC...
This boat isn't sinking. Cast away those doubts.

edelweiss

I stared at this painting for a long time at the Gallery of Art today. The impressionists and the post-impressionists are the only art that can move me. Monet and Van Gogh are the ones that make my heart soar. The dusty colors, the mess of the strokes - form something beautiful. One day, I'm going to have a print of this over my fireplace.
I love how you can't see if that's a person in the foreground. You don't know what they are going there... but they are there nonetheless.
*********
I love "The Sound of Music." I always turn to it. Besides Chris Plummer being GORGEOUS, I appreciate a good musical now and then.

Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Every morning you greet me
Small and white, clean and bright
You look happy to meet me

Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow
Bloom and grow forever

Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Bless my homeland forever

the strokes.

I want to paint. Feel the brushstrokes, wipe paint off and feel its coolness between my fingers. Turn a blank canvas into something. Get some artistic energy out.

I want a boyfriend for a few days. Someone to help me say good-bye to the city. Someone.

I want to stay, but I want to go. I want to work, but I want to rest.

The bright lights.

Forgive me. I need a little cheering up. Anderson and James Carville just aren't doing it for me tonight. A hurricane. Hopefully, the bosses will play their cards right and not screw this one up.

I think I need to go to sleep. Just to get the night over with.

the golden age.

Just when you start to dance with the city, you've got to head out of town.
There's that feeling in your gut that somewhere, between Foggy Bottom and Capitol South, you've left something behind.
Not a sweater, not a book. You left your inhibitions, your insecurity behind. You've stopped looking at the map, stopped counting the stations as you pass them. You just ride.

Dear Washington,
You are such a fool of a place. Why the nation's capital is full of the homeless I will never understand. Why violence occurs every night, and with the morning news comes another death.
But you are one heck of a place. I'm not sure I'm in love, but I'm leaving, so maybe absence makes my heart grow fonder for a city.

the journey.

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quiestest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” - Pat Conroy

cat poop.

So, (crap, why do I start everything with "So,"?) I'm house/cat-sitting for my landlord. Which went well Sunday (fed cat) and Monday (fed cat, watered front yard), but today..
it's gone to poo.
I should explain that the landlord is having the house painted, so there's a painter guy in and out of here while I'm at work.
Being a guy, he leaves his stuff everywhere, without minding to clean up behind himself.
The cat's litter box is in the half-bath on the ground floor, and after using the bathroom, which he didn't flush (GROSS), he went on to leave the light on, BUT close the door.
So the cat pooed on the floor, and yours truly has to clean it up. I don't like cats. They are not fluffy and squishy. They are mean and might eat me while I'm asleep. I think those Siamese cats in "Lady and the Tramp" have scarred me. Anyway, I only saw the before mentioned cat poop after sitting down to eat.
I have a weak stomach. I can barely wash my dishes after dinner because I'm that quick of a gag reflex. And of course, I was starving for dinner, so I had a huge meal. Pasta, then weirdly a bowl of cereal, and then a cupcake.
And now I have to clean up cat poo. Seriously?
In other news, I have to get out of this city. I'm so ready. There are currently hooligans hanging out on the street, which isn't fun, when your car is parked out there.
I hate it sometimes, like now.
Anyway, I've called about apartments, and I've got a few options. I just want to have tv and internet as soon as I move in, which you have to be careful about.
__
When I went to the DC United game last weekend, I thought about how different life could be. How you make one decision and then nothing really happens, but your life forms.
I used to play soccer, I actually loved it. When RPAR stopped having leagues for my age, I had to quit. In P.E. during 8th grade, we had to play soccer in front of the high school coach, and I was one of the two (out of the entire grade) that he wanted for the team.
I don't know why I didn't try out. But instead of going to soccer practice after school, I went to my television, watching news. It's been about 10 years that I've been watching. At first, I didn't watch because I wanted it to be my career, or that I had to know every breaking story. I watched for the fun of it. Which is what I've been doing for the last two weeks, watching for fun. Which is weird. Because I've gotten so used to critiquing news, that it's hard for me to appreciate it. I can appreciate newspaper articles, magazine layouts, but it's really hard for me to love a newscast. Because I always see the faults, but I guess since it's live, there are hazards.
But oh, what could have been, had I stayed with soccer. But I never would have been nerdy about Shep.
__
On the House floor today, there was a tall glass of water. Seriously, this guy was beautiful. Sigh. I've done really good not having any DC crushes (besides a Capitol Police or two ;)). So I guess I'm allowed one my last two weeks.
__
Shep just said balls. On the internet. :D

yesterday...

Holy crap.
I freaking love no commercials, NO MERCY with Shep.
I've got tears in my eyes.
This is what news needs to be. Mistakes, filling air time, love it!!!!

Sigh. I don't like the political hubbaloo.

I guess it's time for sleep..

give us faith so we'll be safe.

I haven't listened to Josh Groban in forever. But today was a day where some Groban was needed.

I went to church, which I miss my home church in Louisiana. It's weird that you have to search for a church that reminds you of the church you grew up in, because that's what you are used to and feels comfortable. Hopefully, I can find a good church in Roanoke.

Today I spoiled myself. After church, I went to Chipotle. The last time I had Chipotle was in South Orlando with an editor. It was so good, but I guess the Florida sun adds something to it.
Then I went to Coldstone. Which, holy cow, is so stinking good. God forgive me for all the fat grams I ate today. I had cake batter ice cream (which I highly recommend), mixed with brownies and Reese's. I think I fainted from sugar rush. SO. GOOD. I'm glad there's one close to Roanoke. I will have to try the cookie dough ice cream next time.

My faith sure has been strengthened this summer. It's essential to know that there's someone there with you, even when you feel a deep loneliness. I love knowing that God has everything lined up for me already, I just have to follow along. I completely believe in guardian angels now. Others can think of them as coincidences, but I'll go with angels. All the people who helped me figure this city out... who took me under their wings, even if it was only for a few seconds. I've been pulled from the wreckage. As the memories seep from my veins to my photo albums, I know I've found comfort.


Spend all your time waiting/For that second chance/For a break that would make it okay/ There's always one reason/To feel not good enough/ And its hard at the end of the day/ I need some distraction/Oh beautiful release/ Memory seeps from my veins/Let me be empty/
And weightless and maybe/ I'll find some peace tonight

til the next time

Honey, is there any place that you would like to eat?
I know a coffee shop down on fifty-second street
And I dont need no fancy food and I dont need no fancy wine
And I sure dont need the tears you cry
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time we say goodbye
Ill be thinking of you
Ill be thinking of you

Yeah, a movie house on forty-second street
Aint a very likely place for you and I to meet
Watching the snow swirl around your hair and around your feet
And Im thinking to myself she surely looks a treat
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time that we kiss goodnight
Ill be thinking of you
Ill be thinking of you

I cant go on like this, can ya? can ya?
I cant go on like this, can ya?

You give me a cure all from new orleans
Now thats a recipe I sure do need
Some cider vinegar and some elderberry wine
May cure all your ills, but it cant cure mine
Your lousiana recipes have let me down
Your lousiana recipes have surely let me down
Till the next time we say goodbye
Drink to it
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time that we kiss goodnight
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time we say goodbye
Till the next time that we kiss goodnight
Ill be thinking of you
Ill be thinking of you

random

I love, in no particular order:

• The smell of Marlboro Light cigarette smoke. It's very comforting.
• Andy Coop's crinkly eyes when he laughs. And I love his laugh.
• I love the drive between Mississippi and Florida.
• The smell of chlorine. Reminds me of Mamaw's pool.
• Fathers that adore their young children.
• Longworth's sweet tea
• Starbuck's marble cake, lemon cake.. heck.. I love Starbucks.
• fountain Mountain Dew
• SHEPARD. SMITH.
• Orchids. I'm obsessed with taking pictures of them.
• Random sheets of paper that remind me I live in DC.
• My staff id.
• National news.
• Peter, Paul and Mary.
• Butterflies.
• Orange flowers.
• Purple.
• Squishy pillows.
• Clean sheets.
• Slick pictures.
• Scrapbooking stores.
• You.

can you believe summer is gone?

August and Everything After

I'm really ready for Coldstone tomorrow.

I'm ready to get out of the city. To breathe air again, instead of some homeless guy's funk.
But DC has taught me a lot. I'm going to gather those all up and write about that soon. Be looking for a facebook note as well.

I'm excited. After the station here trampled me, I'm excited about news again. I'm watching it again.. of course that could also be that convention season is coming up. Woo! I love conventions for some weird reason. All they do all day is rehash the previous night's speeches, but I enjoy it. Yay mic headsets. It's one of the Super Bowls of news.. more like the Indy 500 with the headsets.

Anyway.. I need to tidy up.. and I have to do laundry tomorrow, along with researching apartments.

news

I forgot how much I adored Shep. These last few days, I've been obsessively watching again, like I did when I was in high school. He's wearing a gray suit, with a blue shirt. Crap. Why couldn't he have worked in DC so I could stalk him?

Cause I would. I'd hang out at his Metro stop, stealing glances. I'd take pictures of his rowhouse, and look for available places close by. I'd stalk the studios, the bar next door.

Sometimes, I feel old. But I still feel sixteen when I watch him.

don't let it bring you down...

Old man lying by the side of the road
With the lorries rolling by,
Blue moon sinking from the weight of the load
And the building scrape the sky,
Cold wind ripping down the allay at dawn
And the morning paper flies,
Dead man lying by the side of the road
With the daylight in his eyes.

Don't let it bring you down
Its only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Blind man running through the light of the night
With an answer in his hand,
Come on down to the river of sight
And you can really understand,
Red lights flashing through the window in the rain,
Can you hear the sirens moan?
White cane lying in a gutter in the lane,
If you're walking home alone.

Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Just find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Just find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

what have you found? the same old fears?

I suck at being off of work.
Seriously.
Anyway, I guess it's time to eat breakfast, though I don't want to eat because I'm nervous about my damn phone ringing.

Then it's off to another adventure. I'm walking to work. And trying to find a CVS on this side of town..

wish you were here.

"I'm a bachelor, I don't know very much about women, I lead a quiet sort of life down here at Manderley as you know, but I should say that kindliness, and sincerity, and if I may say so - modesty - are worth far more to a man, to a husband, than all the wit and beauty in the world."


With two of my friends getting married in two days, I'm in the mood for a wedding rant. I can't understand how you could be married before you explore. When you're younger than 25, you haven't learned how to survive yet. You're still in the nest. You may live on your own, but there's still a level of comfort, because you're still depending on others for much of your help. I wouldn't mind having someone else along on this crazy ride, but everyone says that being married won't hold them back... Every time, every relationship I've seen - someone's been held back. Sure, you have to make compromises, but one small compromise could have been your ticket to your pre-wedding band dreams. Instead, you're asking him if you're allowed to buy that pair of shoes.

Today I decided whenever I get a house, a real house, I want one room to be a library/study. I want to have subscriptions to all those glossy magazines with fat pages, stuffed with perfume samples. And I'm going to raid the bookstore during sales, buying coffeetable books, full of slick prints.

Jesus Christ, save me!

Geez, that dadgum alarm scared the mushrooms out of me!

the orchid thief

I still miss it.

Metro

Ask me why a Metro Access driver decided to ask me directions to Mass Ave. I barely know how to get around this neighborhood, and I refuse to drive in town. It's too darn confusing, with the streets that go diagonally, and the whole four quadrants of the city thing.

I saw someone with true cankles today. Freeeeaky.

what do you want?

what do i want? movies on a saturday night. a charged mp3 player. money for new books. a good a/c system. a van gogh print in my kitchen. a chair and a half just to read in. guilty pleasure subscriptions to "O" Magazine and Martha Stewart's mag. A Blackberry. Pilates class. Greasy Chinese food. Dairy Queen. Spanish moss on trees.

I don't understand the trend of wearing scarves in the summer. I love movies. Tomorrow will be good. I need this. I need that.

I scared myself this morning, but it's good to know I know how to take care of myself.

if you think of me..

Okay.
I'm watching Shepard, for the first time in a while... and it makes me think.
Is there a good way to move ahead without selling out?
This is the last time I try for tv for a while if this doesn't work out. Then I'm just moving on. Something else... and it will just be a childish notion.
***
Today I went through the Capitol, went to the LoC and the Supreme Court. A pretty successful tourist-y day. I'm going back to the LoC to check out their gift shop, and other things tomorrow and probably fitting in a Target trip.
**
I really want to watch The Sound of Music.
*
I miss my friends.

virginia is for....

8 hours of driving in one day is just too much with no cruise control. I did go through a can of Diet Mountain Dew, a frappacino, a roll of breathmints, two pieces of gum, a small sweet tea and a HUGE Diet Mountain Dew.

Life is strange. I am strange. I unrolled the window while it was sprinkling to smell the air. I felt like a dog smelling the wind go by, but it has been forever since I've smelled rain over dirt (clean dirt, not DC dirt)

you gotta fast car...

I just found "Bug Juice" from the Disney Channel on YouTube. I'm freaking in love.

Anyway, I've got to make a decision this week. Either to stay or go, to go one way or another. I know both choices are great.. but I still feel the urge to head back to the pines, the grasses of the South.

And if one of those choices can give me that feeling of home a little sooner, I just might have to go with that one.

already home

It's hard to believe I've been here two full months.
It's hard to believe how unhappy I was, and how happy I am.
It's hard to believe the next six months.

RWE would be proud.

bye bye blackbird

A last day has come and gone. And I am thankful.
Here's the blessings list

• A full-time job
• My own desk, with a shelf, at that full-time job.
• Some awesome co-workers.
• The chance to breathe for a while.
• A room to myself!
• Ice cream.
• The chance of a lunch out (maybe with Coldstone on the side)
• Another church to try out this morning.
• Sleepless in Seattle on TNT.
• The promise of new shoes, and the possibility of new jeans.

Yes. Life begins again.

change is good.

News quote of the day:

"what up this?" - shepard.




Next week, my friends. Next week :D

baggage.

I'm currently waiting for the DC DMV's hotline to open up, so I can ask them about 20 annoying questions, but until then I'm going to annoy you.
I feel that anxiety in my chest right now, just like I always do when I'm about to make any "big" decision.
I've got to call my future landloard and haggle. Which consists of me begging if she can lower the price.
I'm honestly also freaking out about the parking situation. Bethel II (I might start calling her Bethesda) is a bitch. She's rude to me, but I try and take care of her. Hopefully I won't get too many tickets as I wait to get my DC permit. Maybe the parking garage gods will be good to me. As my current permit runs out in two days.

God, some days I don't want to be old anymore.

Did I say I cried at work last week? Yep. I'm such a freakin' girly girl.

something more.

It feels like August will bring change. A new gust of wind will blow over me.
I'm taking a break. From the disorders.
I'm going to spend a little time in the sun, havin' fun.
Forget the rules, just play the game.

is there?

Is there a good way to say goodbye
When you're leaving all you had 'cause your love has run dry
Is there a good way to be a bad girl
When you're taking all that's given from the world

Is there a good way to move ahead
Without selling out your soul for some water or some bread
Is there a good way to learn your lesson and stay alive

(Chorus)

I've been looking for something all of my life
Maybe in some other city I'll see the light

Is there a good way to say goodbye
To this fantasy world, to this lie
Is there a good way to get out before you're jaded

I need to find a good way to say goodbye
Is there a good way to say goodbye

(Chorus)

I've been looking for something all of my life
Maybe in some other city I'll be alright

Is there a good way to leave him alone
When you find his love just hits too close to home
Is there a good way to deny everything you thought you needed

I need to find a good way to say goodbye
Is there a good way to say goodbye

(Chorus)

I've been looking for something all of my life
Maybe I'll find somebody who'll make things alright
I've been looking for something all of my live
Maybe in some other city I'll be alright

I've been looking for you

stranger in a strange land.

So, I might have a room downtown. I'm going to see it Thursday.
Wednesday is going up to Maryland and to the station (only 4 more days!)
I figured out the ice machine in the dorm, so that makes me much happier.
I went out to VA yesterday to check out a place, cried at the metro (I'm so good at that).

I figured out why many people get married young. After the vows, there's someone to help you with the struggle. There's someone to look at apartments with you, help you decide where to move. Sure, you may have to compromise - but the decision doesn't hang on just you.
But I'm going to make it through this. I'm going to be stressed out for the next few weeks, but then, somehow, someway, everything will be ok. I'll have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I have employment.

can you handle the truth?

• It freaking sucks. I understand why people who hate their jobs just don't care anymore. Because it's pointless. There's nothing you can do.. but sit there and read the WaPo.
• I freaking need this apartment... decent area of town and good rent. PLEASE!!!!!
• WHERE ARE YOU???!!!
• I don't know if I'm going to graduate school here... I might just hang on until I find a job in a small market in the South.. where people are nice.
• I need a fan.
• I need a fanatic.
• My head freaking hurts.
• I don't want to touch tv news for a while after my five last days are up. I don't want to watch it, talk about it or read about it... which will be hard. But then I think I could handle it again. I've just got to mentally wash this experience out of me..
• I don't care how cold the room gets. Just leave the a/c on. I'm too Southern to have it stuffy. It reminds me of brownouts.
• I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
  

tonight

Who wants to swoop in and save me?



Any takers?



Huh? Huh?

a fragment of light.

• Let me be your biscuit.
• Please help me find money for school.
• Please give me a job.
• Smile.
• Please tell me you won't stop being my friend when August comes.
• Six.
• Goodbye, good riddance.
• Is there a chance?
  

Thank you.

I'm so glad I'm not 17,18,19 anymore.
Sure, I'm practically the same person - but I've grown up so much in just the few years.
I've had my heart partially broken, I've met my icon, I've seen my dream job.
I've laughed, cried, cursed and prayed.

I am no longer that 19-year-old hungry. I've learned.
I am not fat. I am not hideous.
I am smart, fun, comical, sweet, honest and lovable.

Alcohol does not give you those things. Beauty does not make you lovable.
I am damn lovable.. and someday, there will be a guy that's smart, fun, comical, sweet, honest and lovable.. to love me.
And I don't need a cup in my hand to try and find him. I don't need to put on a show for him. I will just be myself.. and that will be just right for him.

but it's taking so long...

I miss him. I laugh with him.


I probably wouldn't be this way....

American girl

Well she was an american girl
Raised on promises
She couldnt help thinkin that there
Was a little more to life
Somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
Yeah, an d if she had to die
Tryin she had one little promise
She was gonna keep

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an american girl

It was kind of cold that night
She stood alone on her balcony
She could the cars roll by
Out on 441
Like waves crashin in the beach
And for one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God its so painful
Something thats so close
And still so far out of reach

Oh yeah, all right
Take it easy baby
Make it last all night
She was an american girl

popeye's on the southside.

"That was awfully forward of me."

"Where's the jelly, babe?"

"Toes!! TOOOOEEESSS!!!!"

"You were laughing at the Latinos, weren't you?"

the good stuff.

• Only 4 more Wednesdays.
• 4 more Saturdays (with photog, hopefully)
• I've got mashed potatoes.
• I finally got into "North Toward Home"
• Sugarland - Life in a Northern Town
• ice water.
• today feels good.
  

end of the road

I can't let go.

don't regret this life I chose for me

It's hard when you are beginning a career. Truthfully, you know that you are at least decent at what you do. If you are like me, you try your best to do everything perfectly, from making the coffee to writing a story. And when there are people that do the job you want without being perfect (grammatical mistakes) it hurts. It feels like all these years of doing your own personal best aren't going to be enough. I know I have major weaknesses. I'm horrible at making friends - making conversations with people who aren't like me.
I hope one day I'll have a job where I enjoy the people around me and the product we produce. Until that day, I guess I'll have to keep searching.
I'm reading (among other things) "Reality Show" by Howard Kurtz. I was reading about one of the network anchors who thought of themselves as failures. I don't think anyone can call any of those anchors failures, not even the ones that are in 3rd. But it was comforting to know, as I was riding the Metro after a long day of work (work that I got to help offset the costs of an unpaid news internship) that in the end it will eventually be worth it. Even if this is my failure, there will be a success one day.
____
I think I want to pick a city in the South and make it my own. Who cares if the state has already been conquered? Maybe I'll finally go west, instead of calling the east my west. I want to throw a dart at a map, find a job and move. All my life I thought I wanted to work in a large market, but now that I see people here, I don't know anymore. I want to bust it at a small market, where it's okay to make mistakes, to learn, to BREATHE.
I guess I know to much about the companies that operate news stations and too much about how the business works.

"one never arrives"

I guess that's true. Just like "be careful what you wish for." Once you get to the spot you've always wanted to get to, you must keep moving.
Or maybe that's just me.

So here's the positives (and I'm not going to make a negative list)

• I'm getting around the city pretty well now.
• I have employment through August.
• I have a great guy that I have a crush on.
• I have a great guy everyone wants to set me up with.
• I have a roof over my head.
• I have food in my stomach.
• Free coffee.
• My family and friends support me.

bleeding love

Do I want to do this anymore? Do I really want to sit in some basement every day?
Do I want a cubicle that I share with 2 other people?
I don't know anymore.
This used to be my dream. Now that I sit in the room...I don't like it.

I think I need to work for a while somewhere else. I've always promised myself that I would have a job where I am happy... where I go home with at least half a smile on my face.
And that happens with the gov job. It does. I smile about something that was said or something that happened each day. But with tv... eh. not so much.


Dear,
please stop being so nice. You need to stop it.
(Please don't stop).

xoxo,
me

I'll walk you out

Will you tell me your secrets? Ask me the tough questions.
Laugh with me again.
I'll forget the crashes, the Wednesdays, if you just smile.
I'll even let you tease me.

Will you open up?
I can only be this way, you need to help out too.
Let's make a pact.

I'm older than I look, and wiser than my age.
Drive me anywhere, I'll stand next to you.

Where will we go
You know the shore
Will keep us afloat
For awhile

Only 'till the sea
Tell secrets to each
And everyone that comes to be

Taken underneath
By everything
That you'll never sink
That you'll never sink

Leave it at the shore
It's not yours anymore
And it will never be

Know you'll always have
A place to keep
You and me afloat for awhile
You and me afloat for awhile

I think I'm depressed again.
And these strawberry wafers aren't going to fix it.

always do

• I really want half-baked cake ice cream. Sigh.
• Why can't you just let me be?
• Thanks for the compliment.
• No, I'm not going to be in town then. I'll be uptown.
• Please turn off the dumb girl act. If it's not an act, please be quiet.
• You are getting a paycheck. Earn it.
• Please be at work tomorrow. I need another Starbucks run.
• Why do you work for them?
• I miss your face, kiddo.
• I am healing, but it's taking so long.
• Whatcha up to?
  

she's come undone.

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

I'm so tired of being a whipper-snapper. I'm ready just to be a snapper.
Goodbye, my almost lover.

Cautiously.

I want new music. But I have no itunes allowance.

I'm going to read. And try and get him off my mind.

"near to you."

i do believe i've failed you

I had Ramen for breakfast.

that must break some law.

McLaughlin gets it too.

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

i am craving some moist chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

underbaked, please.

this grudge

If we are all rock stars, I am a pet rock.

elderly lady

I must be old.

I am ex-hausted.


at 9:30.

Sigh.

Tomorrow is both jobs: work the morning downtown, eat lunch at dorm and then head uptown.

Sigh.

9 a.m. to 11 p.m.

Alanis gets it

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over-functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

And
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would've naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No ones been crueler than Ive been to me.

And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

fears and freakouts.

It feels good:

• to be the only intern who knows how to make coffee.
• to be the only intern who knows how to sort the mail.
• to be the intern called on to send stuff to other offices.
• to be able to write a letter on a complex subject in 10 minutes.
• to feel a chill in the air in June.
• to finally pay my parking ticket.
  
• to be one of those people who can read and listen to music and not miss their station.
• to be able to call tourists, without sounding like a tourist myself.
• to get a thumbs up.
• to listen to U2 on the Metro - badass.
• to finally eat the chicken, broccoli and cheese sandwich I've been craving.
• to finally have pizza and ACTUAL sweet tea.
• to listen to Alanis in the morning.
• to have a work crush.
  

secret

((I have a crush on a guy two years younger than me and I don't know how to deal with it because I've never had a crush on a guy younger than me even if you count R.S. in second grade. I don't know what to do with myself, but it's fun, because I find myself smiling at his socks and the way he walks.))


sshh.. don't tell.














promise?

adia

I walked home from the Metro in the rain, and I really wanted some guy dressed in a suit to sweep in and hold an umbrella over me.

Now, I just want to crank the AC and sleep for three days.

my hair smells good
and I'm wearing all black.
yeees.

I'm sitting on a sun warmed bed after a nap, watching Alton Brown after eating hummus.

It's the good life.

And last night for dinner I had a hot dog with cheese on a flour tortilla with taco sauce.

I feel alive again, after being dead for a while.

seven

• corlyle's for lunch
• alka-seltzer and the Post in Safeway
• I'm addicted to hummus, roasted red peppers and broccoli.
  
• I miss singing.
• I had my first red meat since Memorial Day.
• I'm beginning to think that somehow, everything will work out.
• I've got 2 crushes. One on a younger guy (I KNOW!!) and one on a guy I'll probably never speak to again.

pretending to choose.

Sorry. I don't know how to make links.
but read this. YES.

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2002/03/12universe.html

Tallahassee baby.

I had to find my birth certificate before I left, so I could fill out the government paperwork once I start one of my jobs. It's weird: Florida, Louisiana, Florida then DC.
Still haven't found a place. I might just go with one. I'm so tired of not knowing. There's several places out there, but none of them are that great... but I figure I'm (hah) sorta street-smart... and hopefully I will make some friends that will help me out.
I don't know if I should go with university housing or with a shared house with people I don't know. ---
I have to do this. This is the best opportunity that has ever been thrown at me. I just keep trying to think what he would say. I want to know so badly what he thinks, but I'm scared to ask... but I guess that will be tomorrow's goal.

I need to make the housing decision. Ugh!

california dreamin'

I will never change apparently. I'm still as weirdly stubborn as ever, and get frustrated at the drop of a hat. (No one drops hats anymore though)
Welps, I'm going to DC. I still need a place for the summer.. and for fall, we'll see what happens. I would like to part-time work and go to grad school... but we'll see. (see lonely moment from a few posts ago)
It's really scary.. to live a career instead of dreaming about it. Really be writing those scripts.
Weird...
I still think someday I'll end up in Florida.
For right now, I want to be an idiot, chase my dreams and be poor for a while.
Sounds like fun!

i dare you

I got the DC internship. I got into grad school.

So here's the plan.
Intern in DC. Try to find Maryland money for school.
At the end of summer, decide whether to apply for jobs in DC or go get master's.

mountains move one prayer at a time

I accepted Maryland for fall.
I just packed my first box.. of books of course.

here's what I've come to conclude..

I
just
don't
know.

send me an angel...

apparently I need a daily nap.
Ugh.
I think I am killing myself.

I believe love is the answer

I think I've had about 20 life crises since the last entry.
D.C. sounded like they loved me. They are going to tell me mid to late this week yay or nay.
The plans in my head are getting complicated. I cry at the drop of a pin.
Anyway, this week I will decide whether it's DC or Florida.. at least for the summer. Then I think at the end of the summer I will re-evaluate and see which path to take.
We shall see.
The struggles make me stronger.

Yes.

((since this is in double parentheses it doesn't mean anything, but I need to say it. I wish I had someone to help make this decision with. Someone who would be going with me, going wherever I went. Someone to help with the transition. Someone to lean on. End lonely moment.))

There's still time for you

I have an interview with a DC station Wednesday.
It's all happening.
We chase our dreams, we did it all.
We touched the sun.

anyplace is better, maybe we'll make something

Another person I know is under 20 and pregnant. There's just so much life they will be missing. So many things that they need to do for themselves, but they can't.
I just ....
looking for that million dollar sound...

it just gets harder to live this dream you've been believing in.

I hate April. It's the worst month. Everything is squished in.
Which is why I'm going to sleep early.

for the first time

Yesterday, I stood up for myself. I didn't back down. I stood my ground. I get so tired of people trying to run me over. I don't know if it is because I am quiet some of the time or if my niceness gives me away. I take things personally. There are some just business conversations, but journalism is personal to me. I will take offense if someone rips it a new one if I have been working hard for weeks.
I get so tired of people who are closed-minded. Some people just can't agree to disagree. They can't listen to other people's point of view. At least acknowledge that you are listening not just hearing me.
The search for summer is looking... interesting. Another grad school said no, so there's only one application still out there - the school I really want to go to... I *think* it's still early for internships, but the paid one still hasn't said no yet, so I'm still praying.
Life is going to be hard for the people that can't realize that this business doesn't tailor itself around you. It's the team, the team, that makes the product.

just to hang up the phone

I went to the post office, mailed out three applications.. I have six more to go (which I want to finish this weekend.) Tomorrow I am going shopping; I desperately need a pair or two of jeans and a nice winter coat (yay sales!) and of course, a chickfila sandwich.
Today I need to balance my checkbook, do my wrist exercises and clean (again).
Off to another day of doing practically nothing... hooray quarter break!

at that particular time.

I am worried about internships. I'm only applying to a few internships in large markets... so.. I just don't know. It kinda freaks me out - here I am, small town girl, trying to make it in the top 10 markets. I have back up plans (3 grad schools decisions still out, Orlando.... New Orleans.) But I kinda know why they are back up plans.
I love deadlines... and Priority Mail. Good morning to the post office!
Today I started physical therapy on my arm. Damn journalism for making me type. Apparently, I have dreadfully weak arms. With the repetitive typing motions, I'm screwed. So I get to do exercises next to the senior citizens, while my physical therapist intern is younger than me. God, I'm old. So, yeah.. twice a week. Fun stuff.. working my wrists by looking like a hamster. *And* I got more muscle relaxers (yay). So maybe I can finally get off the free samples and into a prescription.
I need to figure out which of the remaining 15ish stations... if I am actually going to apply.. and the deadline...
(please NOT March 1)

Yesterday

I met my journalism icon at a journalism conference.
Sigh***
I shook, I was nervous ( I didn't stutter, SCORE!) and I nervously put my head on his chest.
SIGH*** (does the head on the chest count as flirting? I think so.)
I told him about my grandma, we had a nerd second about demos.
My next column is so going to be about him, unless i chicken out.

I'm still not on the ground. I keep staring at the picture. It happened. It's all happening.